I must say, it was a good decision that I took. My feet took me to CST. The ever bustling, vibrant and arguably, the nerve center of Mumbai. I aimlessly walked along fort, CST.

As I was walking, at a corner in the street i saw a group of “govinda’s” dancing to some good hindi numbers. I stopped by to see what was going on. The govindas were making human pyramids. Each person climbing on the shoulders of another to make a pyramid of sorts. After a pyramid is almost complete, a small kid climbs on top of the human pyramid and gives a “salami”. People besides me watching this went wild with ecstasy and started clapping their hands and whistling. The kid then took out a small coconut from his pocket and broke the “handi”, spilling out the milk and curd… This made the people go absolutely mad! The music system started to blare with full volume. The scene was so electrifying, that I unconsciously caught myself dancing to the music. It made me feel good. It made me feel happy. It made me feel as if I am also a Govinda – carelessly dancing on the streets, having fun and genuinly enjoying myself. I stayed there for some more time, soaking in the fun and then decided to move towerds CST station.

I reached CST station and at the enterance of the gate, I saw a small gang of young students (maybe in their twenties) sporting gandhi caps, which read – “I am Anna Hazare”. I was charmed to see these youngs guys and went towerds them to see what they were actually up to. They were members of the “India againest corruption” group being led by the charesmatic Anna Hazare. They were shouting slogons – ” Dont feel shy now, you will regret later”, “Lets fight together and eradicate corruption from India”. I asked one of the members – “Whats going on mate?”. He urged me to go to azad maidan and see for myself – What’s going on.

Azad maidan in just a stone throw away from CST station, so i thought – why not? Just outside Azad maidan, I saw a sea of Gandhi caps. All the caps were shouting- “I am Anna hazare”. A small street play was also being enacted just besides the enterance. It was fun seeing the play. Partly because, i hardly get to see any kind of plays and partly because it was on a subject that everone is actually sick and tired about – corruption. The play had 4~5 young guys who were comparing the lokpal bill sponsered by the government Vs the lokpal bill proposed by team Anna. It was a simple play for the simple man. But it was effective. It drove home the point – “Whats good for my country?”.

After finishing seeing the play, I went inside the gates of Azad maidan. The sceance was electrifying and smacked of patriotism. People were singing patriotic songs in small groups. A very old lady was posing as “Bharat mata” with her hands tied, eyes and mounth covered with black cloth and wearing a signbord reading – “Son, I need your help to break free”. It actually drove home the point in full totality. 

A small dias too was formed inside the maidan. Speeches were being given from the dias. The speakers were urging every person to give “one small push” for the nations cause. The speakers ranged from an industrialist, a representative of the jain community, a doctor, a RTI activist and – a blind person from pune who had travelled all the way from pune just to say – I support anna’s cause.

I was not even born when the indian freedom movement started. But I felel lucky to have seen the anna hazare movement. I felt first hand how the freedom movement might have been fought.  As one of the speakers right said – “Earlier we fought againest forigners, now we fight againest thives”. I have not seen any issue, any political party, any person draw the kind of participation that the Anna hazare movement has drawn. The way in which public openion is building and mass participation is being mobilized is something amazing! The movement, I am sure, has shown the people of India how to voice their openion as one unit. I felt proud that I am an Indian. I left Azad maidan with a “I am Anna Hazare” stamp on my hand and a smile on my face.

I walked back to CST station and saw another sea of people, of different kind. Busy commuters, oblivious of what’s going on around them. Mumbai again amazed me. Its a city that never stops. Its a city that never sleeps. I took and local train to Mulund where I am put up.

As soon as I got down at mulund station, the familier smell of Vada pav, shev puri, chat masala greeted me. I also saw another small group of Goivindas joyfully marching along the streets – singing and dancing.

Even as I sit in my house, writing this, i cant wait to see my sweet wife to return from her office and I relate the days events to her.

Life’s good! Mumbai ROCKS!!

I miss coming back to a full house…

I miss the comforting hug of my Mom..

I miss being amongst friends…

I miss the fights with my sis…

I miss the arguments with my bro…

I miss having someone for whom my heart beats…

I miss having someone whom I can just cuddle…

I miss having someone whose hands I can hold…

I miss having someone who will wait for me someplace…

I miss caring for someone…

I miss not having someone for whom I am just “me”…

I miss having a special person with me…

I miss being the love of someone…

I miss being the life of someone…

I miss being myself…

This is but a small part of the immensely long list of things, I miss. I miss them so dearly that now they seem to be a part of my being.

I just hope and hope with all the heart, mind and soul that I have that someday, when I get any one of these, I remember how important they are for me. I remember how badly I miss them and I hold them so close to my heart that I will never ever let go of them….

H-A-P-P-Y a simple five lettered word. And also one of the most difficult to find and experience. This five lettered word has had me thinking from last few days. I am wanting to have it. I dont know how to get it.

I have travelled a lot of places in the course of my work. I have met so many people that I have lost the count. I have been to almost all the states of India and travelled 3/4th of Nepal. Technically I have worked in almost all the field that a person of my age and experience could possibly do in the telecom field. I have also met and spoken to almost all the big shots in Indian telecom market. All the “Who’s Who” list of people in my organization know me by my first name. Almost all the projects in India for my companyneed me. All the Juniors with whom I have worked till date say that they like to work with me. I am not being arrogant here. I am not even blowing my own trumpet. But even after all this, Happiness still eludes me. Even after travelling so much I still have not met a single person whom I thought was truly happy.

There have been so many days when I feel that I am just wasting my time. Nothing that I have done till today makes me happy. I really wonder – does real happiness really exist? Is happiness in the person who leaves everything and goes on top of a mountain? I dont think so. Is happiness in a person who has achived great success professionally? I doubt. Is happiness between two people who are deeply in love with each other? Maybe, but in many ways then one, relationship in itself is a compromise. Is happiness in a person who is  staying close to his family? I doubt. No one who does not leave his comfort zone can truly be happy. Is happiness in a person who wants to achive something big in his life? Achieving big involves a lot of pain, so I dont know if the happiness is really worth it.

I sit back and wonder when is it that I have been really happy? Truly happy? Its scary, but I don’t remember. I guess I was truly happy when I thought “Someone” loved me. That made me glad to be alive. Made me feel good about myself. All my professional achivements simply paled in comparisionto that special feeling of being loved. But then again I was in an illusion so I cannot say that was happiness.

Though I dont know where I can find happiness, I know it is very easy to give happiness to someone else. The surest way to make someone happy is to fall in love with that person. Make her feel so special that she should feel that she is the only person alive in this world.And then tell her how much you love her. How much you care for her. But neither can you do this witheveryone nor is it possible. This can be reserved only for very special person. And finding that special person in itself is a big  journey. And to any person who happens to read this – I would say – If you find someone whom you think is worth being loved, go ahead and fall in love. It does not matter if it does not get  reciprocated, you atleast have the satisfaction that the person whom you thought was worth your love found happiness because of you.

There are aslo other simple ways of making people happy. A simple praise. A smile. A hug. A complement is all that it takes to give happiness to person. Even though its a tiny tiny spek, it “is” happiness. Finding happiness is difficult, but giving it away is easy. So till the time I find happiness, I pray I put ” ” on the faces of as many people as possible. So that after many many years, I can say to myself,  I tried to make as many people happy as possible.

My love soars like an eagle.

My love is proud.

My love dances like a peacock.

My love is strong like a bow.

My love is soft like a feather.

My love paints like a god.

My love laughs like a child.

My love cares like a mother.

My love shares like a friend.

My love has the grace of an angel.

My love has a heart of Gold.

My love guides me like a star.

My love smells like a flower.

My love talks like the rain.

There is no one like my love.

Where are you – My love?

I love you – My love.

And sorry for the people who are reading this. If they are thinking that they will find a nice little post saying goodie good things after so many days,they are in for a surprise. Cause just as good times are a part of life, bad ones too are a part of life. My apologies for anyone who finds this post depressing.

Last few months have been the most testing for me. Professional I did very well, only at the end to find that all that I was doing was going down the tube. In my quest to do the job assigned to be well, I lost touch with all my friends and family. Most of my friends/family friends think I am either too haughty or changed a lot.

I also had a big fight with two of the closest friends of mine. Both of whom I considered as my brothers. I fought for the silliest of  reason. It was a classical case of a spark that burned the entire house. They are now so angry with me that for them I dont even exist. I case you read this – Bhavanesh and Nikhil – I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. Whatever I did I did it thinking that I am doing it for your good. Forgive me for my mistake.

Please read the blog that I wrote a few months back about my first team. I am a very proud and emotional person. I loved my team. Slowly, one by one my team mates were separated. My day used to start by saying hi to “My team” and end with a nice chat with all of them on my way back home. The only thing permanent is change. Things changed, peoples changed. My team became someone Else team. It seemed that all the things that were near and dear for me were falling apart.

Then it happened. Somehow, for the first time in my life, I mustured the courage to do the silliest thing I have ever done. I thought I have found a special person for whom I have been waiting all these days. But I blew that as well.  I became greedy. I blew it by trying to give a name to that special person. I forgot that when good things happen to you, you should not become greedy and start expecting too much. I realised my mistake, and when I wanted to correct it, no one wanted to even listen to me. I was made to realise that you have done a mistake and you need to eat dust. Not that I regret doing whatever I did, I did learn some bitter lessons. I learnt not to rush at things. I learnt patience. I learnt that I am human. Though a bit sad, I had a very special and nice feeling for sometime. It was one of the nicest bad thing that happened to me.

Then by trusting some wrong people and following some misguided ambitions, I took some wrong steps. I became a escapist. I wanted to run away from everything. I wanted to hide myself for sometime. I wanted to prove to myself that I am capable of overcoming any problem. In short, I was an ass. I ran away to a new place. A place where even the toughest of people did not want to go. I wanted to work on difficult projects. No doubt, I worked. No doubt I was successful. But somehow it did not give me satisfication. It was like I was committing one mistake after the other. And I don’t seemed to be stopping. I don’t seemed to be learning from my mistakes.

My my, looking back – It was a thrill!!!! If I can survive days like that and still manage to smile as I am doing now, I guess I am game for anything. I don’t want to be a pessimist in my life. I want to dream. I want to look ahead. I know I have done some mistakes. I know I had to go through rough patch. I know I will still continue to commit mistakes. But I want to take all this in my stride and move ahead with my chin up. When I was a kid, I fell down many a times while playing. I was painful, I cried a bit. But I did not sit there all day long. I just got up, dusted myself and ran off. It want to be like that kid. A kid who just knows to play. For whom falling down and then getting up is nothing but a part of the  game. I guess the problem with me is that I take myself too seriously. I should stop doing that cause no one else takes me so seriously

But the problem with being human is that you are never satisfied. You get one thing, you start yearning for something else. I guess I don’t know how to enjoy life. But that’s fine, I am sure life will teach me that too. I genuinely want to be happy. I don’t know if I will ever find that. But something that you cannot get brings in something that is equally helpful – Hope. Hope is something with which you can spend your entire lifetime. I hope I become more mature, I hope I learn from my mistakes, I hope I become a better person. I hope I learn to forgo of things. I hope I learn that at times loosing is the best way of winning. I hope people understand that I too am human. I hope I understand that others are human too. I hope…I hope…I hope….I am an optimist and will never loose HOPE.

I guess the only people who do not have questions similiar to this are the ones that are resting in peace six feet under the ground.

But what I really like about life is the Little drops of joy that it gives to us during our stay here. It is these little drops of joy that make our stay here worth wile. It brings joy in my heart, smile on my face and fresh vigour for living life. It is these little drops of joy that make my stay worthwhile here. It is these little drops of joy that that I love collecting.

One such little drop of  joy that I will always cherish is my team mate Shruti. She came, she saw and she conquered. A true queen of hearts. Someone rightly said, women is the strongest soft thing created by God. I now realize why. This Blog is an Adieu post dedicated to her.

Shruti, left today to her home town for another project after spending nearly 3 months as my team mate. In her course of stay, she taught me a lot of lessons. Lessons that I am sure, if I am strong enough to learn, I will be a much better person.

First and foremost, she taught me the importance of family. Her – “Mama, su karai che?” always made me think – Am I becoming a crazed workaholic and missing small happiness of life? I have always been very doubtful about myself. Call it insecurity or inferiority complex, with just a few kind words she shattered that weakness of mine. In her very own way, she taught me – Life has many things more important then professional achievement.

I am very happy that she will now be near to her family – her own family. I pray that she will always be happy and become a tiny drop of joy in everybodys life that she touches. I am also confident that she has the intelligence, caliber and the EQ to become a big shot in corporate world.

Shruti, if at all you are reading this blog, remember – In last three months, you have earned yourself a friend for a lifetime

But the fact is that now I have been given an opportunity to lead a gang of 10 brilliant engineers. Through this post of mine, I not only make a feeble attempt to “Sketch up” each person (I try to use as few words as possible), but also make this as a personal “thank you” post for these wonderful people for being “My team”.

Following are the ten names that will always be near to my heart as long as I live – Ashvani, Harshad, Nakul, Prabhakar, Sagar, Shruti, Sneha, Swapnil, Venkat and Vipul.

Ashvani, the silent worker. He was the first person to be sent to me as my team mate. An immensely focused guy with sharp looks and even sharper wits. What makes him stand out from the rest is the patience towards work, never ending curiosity and a extremely fast grasping power.

Harshad, the professional. He is one person who is the nearest guy to a actual corporate honcho. A no nonsense guy who always tries to keep his side of the court clean and neat. A guy with immense potential. A leader in the waiting.

Nakul, the obedient co worker. A “Yes man”. I have never seen him saying no to anything. Give him any work and he will straight away go ahead and try to do his best. A man always in a hurry – to finish his work.

Prabhakar, the teammate next door. He is a sort of person every team leader would want. An immensely innocent person who believes in doing the work assigned to him without any fuss. It is very hard to listen a complaint from his mouth even under the most tiring of situations.

Sagar, the intelligent one. He is one person who I think he himself does not know how intelligent he is. A great combination of intelligence and good “PR” skills. Sagar has the capability to first work with his intellect and if he is not able to do finish, he is capable enough to convince you that he has done everything.

Shruti, the ideal team mate. A great combination of intelligence and hard work. Give her any work and rest assured that she will do it as if its her personal work. A perfectionist to the core, she will always work out even the minute details.

Sneha, the free spirit. Sneha is one girl in my team who has the potential of being a great leader in future. A ficerly independent person who writes the rules herself and sticks by it till the very end. She is a sort of person whose name will always pop up in your mind when you have a difficult work in hand.

Swapnil, the cool guy. He is one person who most probably will have the best work life balance. A guy with big ambitions and also a bigger thirst to achieve those ambitions. He is a sort of guy who is cool as long as he has not focused on anything. The moment he focuses on something he changes into a mean machine hunting for its pray.

Venkat, the efficient guy. Efficiency is the bottom line for Venkat. A bold guys who never shys away from taking risks. Speaks his heart out and believes in calling a spade – Spade. Given a opportunity and the power he can make even the most difficult of tasks look childishly simple.

Vipul, controlled aggressive person. Vipul is a guy for whom the center of this universe is the work he is doing. He believes that everything else revolves around his work. An immensely passionate worker, he always tries to deliver more then 100%. A person who sees things not only in 3 dimensions, but maybe in four or five dimensions.

Each one of these people have left a very important mark on my life. I have this to say to these people – Friends, you do not know and maybe do not understand, what you mean to me.

It feels like ages since I have written anything. And I pity myself for not doing so. The reason? Well, well – I  have been working. It just took me a routine visit to my home the other day (was shocked to know that the last time I went home was about a 10 months back!!!!!) to discover what how important personal life is.

Strangely, looking back, from the last 6 -8 months, I have been doing nothing but running and running. Trying to give my top notch performance in my Job. Working overzelously to finish my task at hand. Trying (and sometimes failing) to simply please everyone who comes to me with work. Somewhere in the rush to be the best in whatever I am, I almost lost myself. No doubt, my work fetched me good returns – office wise. People know me, they know my work and (I think) they like to work with me. But I think this made me forget the actual susheel. Susheel who likes to read, Susheel who like to write, Susheel who likes to talk, Susheel who simply loves to sit and muse with a blank mind.

It just took my mom a few words to enlighten me and bring me back to the real world. I love my mom My visit to home also made me think about the importance of work life balance. What is the use of working if you forget living? What is the use of acheieving if you have no one to share it with? what is the use of being the best at the cost of loosing your peace? what is the use if you can manage a team of 25 bright engineers if you simply dont know how to manage yourself? Everyone knows the answer to these questions – very few know how profoundly they impact you as a person.

Yes, I agree that a successful career is important. Yes I want to be successful in my professional life. Yes, I agree that it feels good to be the best. Yes, I still stand by my philosophy of work – “Even if your work is to polish shoes, be the best shoe polisher in the world”. Yes, I have been concentrating too much on only one side of the coin. yes, I forget – again and again – that success is not measured solely by the number of projects I have delivered, but it is also measured by how good a friend I am. How good a son I am. How good a brother I am. How good a lover I am.

You know what, sometimes the most sensible thing that you can do is to just loose. Just let it go. A passion and hunger for winning, with a bit of overdose, can be fatal. it is important to aim for the sky. But on the way to reach the sky, it important to know that you belong to the ground.

I really want to taste true success. I just tasted a small bit of professional success – nah, this is not the taste I craved for. On this diwali day, I pray to god to make me more susheel. I pray god that he helps me to find that perfect balance between – Work and life

God for me is not a person who sits high in heaven and rules the entire world with a iron fist. God is also not a person who sits in a temple, mosque, church etc. God for me is also not a person to be remembered only when in need. God for me is not a person to be feared after death. In fact I can say here – even risking to sound foolish – God for me is nowhere and yet everywhere.

How is it possible for someone to be nowhere but still everywhere? Well, the answer is all around us. Just consider this - Everything that is presently existing on the face of this earth – the computer you are staring at, the house you are living in, the compony you are working for, yourself – I mean everything was, before it existed, but a piece of thought in the mind of someone. A thought that did not have life. A feeling that did not exisit. Graham bell “thought” that people could talk even if apart, Bejamin franklin “thought” that electricity is possible, Gandhi “thought” that India will be free someday, my parents “thought” they should have a kid before I was born. Everything is just a manisfestation of some thought or a feeling. And for me this “thought”/”Feeling” is God. 

God is the flicker of inspiration that makes me write something, God is the feeling I have when I am in Love, God is the pain I feel at seeing something sad, God is the Joy I feel when I see something good, God is the person who seems softly say “Dont worry” when I am in trouble. Do you get my point now? God is nothing, but still everything. Candidly put, God for me is not a person but – a feeling, a thought, a companion – who is continuously with me. 

Now, whoever is reading this, I dont know how much you have followed whatever I have written here. Even if you dont agree to whatever I have written here, I do request you to close you eyes and think – “What God means to me”. This might as well be one of the most important question that you have asked to yourself. I have seen people so called “enjoying”  life, saying I have only one life and I don’t want to waste it. Yes, we have only one life so along with “Enjoying” life, do remember to ask yourself some very important questions

I have asked this question to many of my friends. Both married or otherwise. The question in itself is very interesting and very simple. But I bet, it is also one of the most difficult one to answer. 

I for one am from the old school of thought and think that arranged marriage is better. Going by whatever little I have seen, they also seem to be more successful. The reason why I feel arranged marriage is better then love marriage is because – the couples do not know each other. They are like white boards to each other. They start the all important phase of life by trying to know each other. There is Mystery. There is adventure. There is the Joy of really discovering a fellow human being. If both the couple are a bit mature, it bounds them together. Marriage then does not become a obligation because you were together, but it becomes a new journey with a new human who is willing to follow you throughout your life.

Now let me just see the other side of the coin. In more ways then one, arranged marriage also becomes a gamble. What if you are simply not compatible? Is it not like buying a lottery ticket from the market and then falling in love with it, hoping that it turns out to be the winning ticket? And then there is also someone who said – its better to be with a known danger then to be with a unknown danger. From this point of view all the arguments for arranged marriage goes for a toss.

Then, I asked the same question to a few of my friends who think they have already found their soul mates. People who are in love. Now when this Love comes into picture – all logic seems to go out of the window. These people truly believe that they are not made for each other, but they are – Mad for each other. When cupid strikes, everything seems too rosy. As if everything will automatically fall in place. At this stage, when mere mortals like us try to talk to them, they feel we are simply jealous because we have not found our Love. That we are like the fox who says – The grapes are sour – when we cant get the grapes.

Sadly, (as far as I have seen) many people who are lucky enough to marry their love do not end up in a happy marriage. It seems its only in Bollywood that love birds live happily ever after. There seems to be way too much expectations from these marriages.  The demand for space for each other crops up way too early into the marriage. very soon they seem to realize that sitting under a tree and dreaming about life is different and actually living that dream is difficult. I am not being a pessimist here. I am just trying to capture what I have seen. I might be wrong.

The subject in itself is so interesting to each and everyone of us, that I can go on and on. But I don’t want to. What I can say with conviction is that marriage is like a second birth to both a boy and a girl. Things might get a little rough (love marriage or otherwise) but if there is real love and understanding for each other, you might as well end up happy. And also, it is a very personal question which has as many varied answers as there are people. What might me correct for me, might as well be wrong for someone else. 

I wonder why god has made things that we love the most – the most complicated to understand? I just pray that at the end of my life I wont have to regret on my decision